Funny Things


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Several Short Essays on Being God's Gift to the Internet

In our joining instructions, we asked that prospective members write "an essay of 500 words or less explaining why you are God's gift to the Internet, which we will ignore."  We lied a bit.  We didn't plan on ignoring any of your essays.  In fact, everyone who has joined us so far has now had their essay retroactively entered into our double secret essay contest. 


It turned out that many of you out there have some pretty great senses of humor. Thank Unholy Krondor!  Between all the scrambling around like crazy people we were doing, we had some genuine laughs over the contents of the membership applications.  Don't worry, it was the good kind of laughter - like the kind you have right after someone hurts themselves on Youtube.

We thought it'd be pretty great to wade through the e-mountain of e-mails we've received to find the best 'essays' that had been sent to us and then share them with everyone.

Without further ado and in no particular order, here are our picks. OK, that's not entirely true.  The long ones are at the end.  Oh, and all misspellings are the sole responsibility of the authors.

Von - GAME OVER:
I realise I openly advocate the playing of Orks and the thinking about your wallet before you load up on sixty Black Guard to perfect your Dark Elf army as the greatest power for evil in the sub-region, and I don't swear enough for the cool kids, but I do spike my coffee and at least I'm honest enough to admit I'm trying to win.  Plus I'm British and not a complete assmuffin, which can only be a good thing, right?  Ignore my ponce of a signature and sign me up.

Lantz - The Magnet Pro:
I own an iPhone, I drive a Jetta and I have a golden Starbucks Frequent Buyer's card. Ha, just kidding, I'm not a tool.

Ben - The Quiet Limit of the World
It's been a while since
We've been outside and this
blog roll smells like fish.


Counterfett - All Things Fett
I am God's gift to the internet because I follow instructions even when I know they are being given sarcastically. That was under 500 words, right?

Oni - Pit of the Oni
When people tell me "Nobody likes a critic." I simply reply "I don't feel it's healthy to keep your faults bottled up inside me."

Curis - Ninjabread
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(Well, if you ignore the repetition there's only really three there.  Never mind.)



There are more reasons why I am God's gift to the internet than there are stars in the sky. But since I love all my Imaginary Friends in a no homo sort of way here are some of them...

The obvious reason is I'm Aussie and therefore know how to wrestle with crocodiles, snakes, baby snatching dingos and the bat-crazy drop bears. And after the last incident with heat seeking sting-rays all Aussie males with hair on their chest have learnt to deal with them as well. God made Australia to kill off the weak so that only the strong remain. And then man made the internet for Aussie males. Just look at our beer ads to discover how bad-ass we are. Even our nerds can appreciate fine things like beer. The Flash Dance beer ad is for Lauby.

Another obvious reason that I'm God's gift to the internet is that I've been able to get 136 posts in under 2 months. Sure none of it is really my work. But God gifted all Aussie males the ability to think with both heads. So while one is off achieving greater things in life I can use the less important one to share the awesomeness of being Aussie with the rest of the Interwebz. I used that awesomeness to become the Project Mayhem Hero which also required little work on my part. We Aussies were just made to be awesome on the internet.

I'm so manly that not only am I not afraid to talk about playing with war dollies but I also use purple alot on my blog. Internal monologue FTW! God's system of survival of the fittest has turned each Aussie male into the perfect specimen with high levels of win. These levels of win have even passed off to Kirby who uses pink in his blog.

Aussie males have such extreme levels of win that we have to use soft-scores in our tournaments to avoid tabling each other in the first turn of combat. If we didn't use soft-scores 40k would become a very bloody affair. Although we enjoy conflict we feel that if the internet saw just how manly we were there would be mass suicide as nerds everywhere released how utterly pathetic their lives were.

We Aussies have so much sex and violence in our daily activities that health professionals have advised the Government to heavily regulate the internet and video game industry. As a result we do not have high level of sex and gore via technology like other nations allow. Something to do with too much of one can thing be bad for us. Not like it matters very much since we already enjoy more sex and violence than any other nation. Be jealous bitches that even our nerds get more pussy than you.

So there you guys go.  A little bit of hump day humor brought to you by your fellow man.  Special mention goes to Ben for being the only person to respond in esoteric poetry and Messenger of Death for just beating our Curis for longest essay.

17 comments:

CounterFett said...

Ha! That's great! I made the top ten. My parents are going weep tears of awesome that I have amounted to so much.

Kirby said...

I didnt' even get to submit one :(.

Lauby said...

what's stopping you from doing it now?

Behemoth said...

omg Messanger of Death.

that is all.

hahahahahahahahaha

Von said...

I am not remotely surprised by Curis' essay. The man's a barm-pot.

Dethtron said...

I think Ben's haiku is still the best. I even gave him a haiku in response.

Messanger of Death said...

@ Behemoth - If I said anything else you all would of slit your wrists after realising how awesome we Aussies are.

Messanger

Kirby said...

Pink > Purple

Brent said...

Sorry guys - if it was up to me, MoD would win hands down.

(It ain't. DT and Lauby are the benevolent dictators for life!)

At 6am, as my wife and I were drinking our first cup of coffee, we watched the beer commercials from Australia. We couldn't stop laughing! How was number one going to top the genius of Flashdance?

Then the familiar strains of the Carmina Burana echo through the house - by far my favorite opera, 'cause Orff's a freakin' genius...

Wait, this is the House of Paincakes - scratch that...

FUCKING genius...

...and the best commercial ever played on my Samsung 26-in monitor. It was so good, we smashed the monitor and split a beer.

One of those isn't true.

That's my essay. MoD is a winner!

Lauby said...

yeah, I think the flashdance commercial was, in fact, number 1. I think it just got artificially moved down so that the other commercials wouldn't feel bad.

chaosgerbil said...

My essay was disqualified because it had typos, and insulted sensitive bigwigs like Dethtron.

oni said...

Aussies got nothing on me... I'm like a fucking monster truck made of biceps and fueled with gratuitous amounts of pure testosterone. I get more ass in 30 seconds than you can see in two minutes watchin' a rap video.


:P

Dethtron said...

"bigwigs like Dethtron"

not sure what universe you're living in there :)

I don't think I've earned bigwig status yet. Plus you may have noticed that the more insulting something is towards me, the more I tend to enjoy it...

Kirby said...

Australian beer ads are pretty good but the rest of the ads suck. WTB Superbowl commericals.

Did the link include the tank skeet shooting one? I love that one.

"Skeet shooting...in a tank...nice."

The ideas you have whilst drinking :P.

chaosgerbil said...

All I meant was that you need a haircut, not that you have any kind of special status.

I've been trying to insult you because I know it makes you happy.

Messanger of Death said...

I win something again. Be jealous biatches.

@ Kirby - pink was so last season. Get with the times. As for Aussie ads. I agree. We have the best beer ads. But Super Bowl ads are best all-rounders. And no matter what country they are from Condom ads are always funny...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfDyD4avQAE

... except the Indian ad.

Messanger

The_King_Elessar said...

I should totally do one of these essays...

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