Funny Things


Friday, October 7, 2011

HoP Idol Voting Now Live

As the title of this post may have already led you to believe, the current round of voting for this leg of the HoP Idol competition is now live.  We've had 5 fan-fucking-tastic interviews this week that did not disappoint.  I don't envy you all having to choose winners.  As someone who has proven himself to be pretty much inept on either side of an interview, I am simply awestruck to have discovered that all five of the HoP Idol finalists were little Barbara Walters's. 



Voting will be going on from now until this coming Wednesday.  Since we're looking to level up 4 of the 5 current finalists, you may vote FOUR times in total.  Good luck to all the contestants.

To refresh your memories, all of this week's articles can be found at the links below after the jump-

HoP Idol: Frontline Gamer Interviews Lauby

Last and not least we've got our very own co-creator of the HoP, Lauby getting his interview on with Frontline GamerPretty pictures will follow.

Well this week we've been given the task of interviewing one of the current International House of Paincakes writers. I got one of the big ones... Lauby, who co-founded the International House of Paincakes with Dethtron. Sadly though for him he'd drawn me has his interviewer and I'd personally like to say thanks to him for putting up with my erratic ways of late, as I've got a lot going on in my personal life right now and he was a pleasure to interview and very understanding. I've dropped 4 pictures of Lauby's lovely painting in here as well. So here it is...
Frontline Gamer: Hello. I'm going to be honest and say I have absolutely no idea where to start this interview. I'd ask for some hints and tips but I'm getting pressed for time now so I'm going to go with the obvious question. Why the hell did you decide to start the international House of Paincakes (hoP) with Dethtron in the first place? And as a follow up question, and are you utterly mad?

Lauby: Like so many 'Good' ideas throughout, history the whole idea started in a bar while Dethtron and I were working on a special kind of drunk - expensive beer drunk. At that point in our e-live we were both struggling to get readers for our own blogs and we just couldn't get things going to the extent we wanted. Commenting on other people's blogs and exchanging links only gets you so far, and is tedious, tedious work. Obviously the solution to that was to 'join a blogging network'. But the ones that existed at the time didn't have a lot to offer us or had a bunch of bullshit requirements we didn't much care for.

The Weekly Top X - M. Night Shyamalan's "Brent"

Pssst! Pssst - hey, you.

Yea, you.

Yes, you! Right there! You! You’re you and I see you, you, YOU, YOU!



Can we get past this please? I’m on this side of the screen and you’re on the other. I really need some help... and I don’t think I have much more time.

Allow me to explain it. You see, I think I’m being erased from the House of Paincakes history. Being scrubbed right off the digital timeline.

I noticed Dethtron posted this the other day...


Wow. Powerful stuff. DT is giving Loquacious credit for being the first author outside of him and Lauby, and while I don’t want to take anything away from Lady Loq...

...me and Lauby were around writing the Top X from the beginning! Yes, this very weekly column you now beyond with your eyes, red with tears and wide with shock though they may be now!

Being the sensible Empty Digital Headache, I assumed at first it was a simple mistake, but neither Dethtron himself nor my erstwhile partner Lauby-sheimer responded to my (desperate) email for clarification. There’s only one explanation.

They’re out to get me. They don’t just want to kill me - they want to erase me from history itself!

It’s the only explanation that makes sense.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

HoP Idol: The Other Guy Interviews SinSynn

Prepare yourselves for the sheer Lovecraftian terror of a second dose of SinSynn this week as finalist and freelance blogger The Other Guy interviews him.  I don't know how else to preface other than saying that yes, there will be vaguely pornographic images of squids.


September 25th 1856

Dear Gentlemen and members of the House of Paincakes. It is my pleasure to report the findings of my latest expedition to “The Bronx”, a fierce area of the former colonies known for its dangerous natives and fearsome music called “Hip-Hop”.
We made a quick passage from London. The schooner proved herself to be a good sea boat, and behaved admirably during some very heavy weather. No serious accident occurred.

Upon arrival we encountered a local who only answered to the name of SinSynn. We managed to find ways of communication, often involving hand gestures and the passing of money between hands.
Unusually, this particular gentleman seemed to be under the malediction of believing himself something akin to a giant squid, and regularly referenced non-existent limbs and tentacles.

In the interests of xenoarchaeology, we procured an interview of 50 questions with him, in exchange for twelve crates of brandy and thrupance. Please read the attached for your pleasure and interest in the case.

Yours sincerely

The Other Guy,

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

HoP Idol: Hot Panda Interviews Dethtron

Yo Yo Yo everybody.  Today we've got Hot Panda interviewing me... or wait, who did you interview?  Yourself?  Way to follow directions señor panda.  Oh well, I know you were all dying to know about the troubled childhood moving from foster home to foster home boring middle class life that has led me to behave the way I do on the Internet, but that will have to wait for another day (or you can find Brent's interview of me for BoK from a while back).  Now I'm going to let this stand because it's funny to me and I really appreciate the schizophrenia inherent in blogging and so do I.

What is a HOTPanda - A rare bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet, having woolly fur with distinctive black and white markings.  Also called giant panda, panda bear...Wait a minute that doesn't sound right...A HotPanda is by definition a rare blogger that dwells predominately in the forty first millennium.  It has a silly demeanor, with distinctive hate for DONUTs and a love for ROBOTS.  Today I am going to take you behind the mask that you all know as HotPanda and examining the inner working of a man long lost to the warp storms of Warhammer 40k.

SinSynn and the Fluffy Hamster Argument

Hey Folks, SinSynn here.

So I couldn't sleep the other night (possibly due to that stupid Battlefield 3 Beta on X-Box Live, but, really...who can be sure? :P), and I decided to pull one of my old-school favorite booky-things off the shelf.

Dark Apostle, by Anthony Reynolds.

*Mmmm...delicious Chaos-y goodness*


It's the simply ghastly account of a member of the Word Bearers, who seeks to rise through the ranks of that infamous Chapter.
To say this book revels in hideousness is an understatement- there's bloodily described Human Sacrifice at every turn, major consorting with Daemons, and when you hear the Word Bearers reminisce about the way they ritually abused every living thing at a Sororitas Convent for weeks (including the Battle Sisters), you'll shiver at the pure evil....

I so goddam LOVE that book, and it's two sequels.
LOVE THEM!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

HoP Idol: Von Interviews Loquacious

Greetings everybody!  Today we've got a special idol treat as Von of Game Over interviews HoP's very first author (outside of Lauby and I), Loquacious.  Will we wonder whether women will write, waxing wittily with wonder, while we watch, weeping with .... shit, that's all I've got.  For those not in the know, Lo used to start all of her articles with a motherfucker alliteration, which I miss dearly.  Anyhow, here goes nothing...

Von:  Hey! Dethtron called (well, emailed) re: HoP Idol Thing. Apparently you and I have to have some sort of vaguely structured call-and-response discourse thing where you lie to me and I write down your lies. I think they call them 'interviews'?
Hope all's well in Gopherland!

Lo:  Gopherland is mostly wonderful now that TheDude has returned from his trip, but he brought me a cold as a gift. =/

Non-Spam but Still competitive...Possible or Not?

Sometimes I get all retarded and accidentally post things early.  Sadly, Google isn't much into features that let you fix that.  SO, this is an actual GMort post even if it says 'Lauby.'

I find that comments to most of my more confrontational posts tend to be divided into two diametrically opposing views.

Either,

1) You are completely right*...

* Which is a perfectly reasonable viewpoint that requires little clarification.

Or,

You are completely wrong...

Unfortunately, it's very rare that anybody puts the depth of information into their dispute of my answer than I initially put into my defence of my viewpoint.

"I've seen millions of posts like this and their all wrong" is possibly the most pointless answer in the history of debate unless you explain why they/me are wrong!!!

So it looks like if there's going to be a decent counter to my 'Competitive is Fun' and 'Spam is the only way to go in 5th' arguments I'll have to come up with it myself.

Lets start with the easy ones ;-)

Monday, October 3, 2011

HoP Idol: Lantz Interviews G Mort

First up this week we've got Lantz of Twin-Linked Awesome interviewing our very own G Mort.  Buckle in and let the good times roll.

We're getting down to the last few weeks of HOP Idol and somehow I'm still here. Either I'm just that damn good or I've spent my spare time paying off one of the authors of House of Paincakes via goods and services to keep myself in the ranks.
Make Your Choice As To Which Is True.


This week we were told to conduct an interview with one of HOP's authors and my draw from the hat was the one and only GMort. As many of you know (and if you don't, you should) GMort is quite the controversial writer from the UK. Bringing up many topics that never get spoken, and because they don't cause controversy. He's a contender in the 40k world of opinion pieces and continues to provide the masses with thought-provoking shock and awe. And I had to interview him...I'll admit I was a bit intimidated when I first got the assignment. So, who is GMort and how did he get involved in the world of Warhammer? Without further adieu, the interview:

This Week On HoP Idol

Yes, the rumors are true, HoP Idol is back underway in ....oh... about an hour.  Now depending on when you read that last statement, the contest may be on in less than an hour or even have already begun, but from my perspective at this precise moment in time, we're at t-minus 1 hour. 



This week we'll be doing a little getting to know you for the HoP staff.  All of the HoP Idol finalists have been assigned a HoP regular author to interview.  Other than that, there were no limitations set, so we'll see what comes out.  Spoiler alert, one of the finalists didn't even follow those directions.  Tune in to find out who it was and what he did.  So if you've ever wanted to know more about Lauby, GMort, SinnSynn, Loquacious, or myself; this is going to be your week. 

Voting starts this Friday and will last a week.  During that week, all of the finalists will be on to tell you about how they got into gaming themselves in what was intended to be a Quickfire Challenge.  Since those have been cancelled, we're just bringing you the posts they already wrote for funsies.

See you back in an hour....or less....or more if you've mastered time travel or found some kind of inter-dimensional wormhole. 

New Member Monday - Hair of the Future

Hey everyone and welcome to another exciting week at the House of Paincakes.  And I do mean exciting.

First up, we actually had a winning essay this week for today's New Member Monday.   So I won't be forced to find and old thing on the internet in an attempt to pad post length!

except for this.  But in all fairness, I just can;t stop laughing at the lazer-mullet
Second, the HoP Idol contest will be this (for sure, definitely) back.  I know, I know... i keep saying that.  But seriously, last week some writing and planning occurred (so I' wasn't technically wrong).  Plus, I've actually seen one of the new posts... in some form.

Right, Blog stuff.

New Member Monday

Warp-Lib
Keywords: Warhammer Fantasy, 40k, Orks,Mordheim, Daemons, Empire, Vampire Counts, Dwarfs, Painting, Buildings, savoir faire, pamplemousse, je ne sais quoi

Rust and the City
Keywords: 40k, terrain, deathsquads, death guard, orks, warriors of chaos, renegades, industrial

Incarias Speaks
Keywords: Warhammer, Warhammer 40k, Blood Bowl, WarmaHordes, rantettes (patent pending), overly literal rules interpretations and a general lack of focus

Wait.. waht's that?  Winning essay?!  Hell yeah.  This time from Incariss...  who's blog has his name in it so it seems redundant to mention it.  But it's that one right above.  See it?  Good.  Essay:


On the question as to why I’m God’s gift to the Internet, I’m an atheist. I do not, therefore believe there is a God whose gift to the Internet I could possibly be. I do, however, possess that fine combination of a degree in textual analysis and an obsessive mind. To offset this, I have the finely tuned and focused mind of an excessively caffeinated squirrel. I do therefore occasionally produce well-crafted, if overly literal, posts on various rules interpretations. At other times, I merely whine about superglue. I don’t know, it might amuse someone...

Sunday, October 2, 2011

[Musings of a Game Store Owner] Beyond the Shelf

We run a retail business, with stock on the shelves and items ready to buy. Sometimes items are not on the shelves, but customers still want the missing item. That's when a special order is required. Special orders are our bread and butter, the way we earn our keep. We have 6 distributors available, with multiple warehouses all over the country. Our store works a lot of angles to keep good stuff coming in in an effort to keep our customers happy.



We usually do our ordering once a week, and have the majority of our stock arrive the day after ordering. For most special orders, a customer waits no more than 6 days for arrival; and most times just 2 or 3. That quick delivery is a huge selling point for people that are considering "going online"- we'll usually have their item to them faster than they can get it delivered from an online store.


It happens now and then that our distributors won't have an item a customer wants. When this happens, we pull out the big guns of customer service- we start hunting. We get on the phone with distributors and vendors, seeing if any are hiding in places that aren't readily noticeable. Then we start hitting the smaller guys, who don't always have volume discounts, but might have access to some more unusual stock items. When that doesn't work, we punt.