Important Stuff

Friday, February 3, 2012

The Weekly Top X- Rumors of a Birthday (with SinSynn and Loquacious)

Hey folks, SinSynn here, with the lovely Loquacious, and a special House of Paincakes Investigative Report.

Followed by an apology, most likely.
And a redaction...

Maybe you've heard the rumors:

  • 6th Edition 40k is coming soon, or not. But look! There's like, a PDF...or something.
  • A new Tau Codex is only weeks away. Or maybe months.. It's coming, though, sometime. Maybe.
  • New Black Templars too! And Chaos (maybe Legions, maybe), and Eldar...eventually. Also very maybe.
  • The 6th Edition Starter Set will feature models from two different army books! No one is really sure WHICH two books, but they'll definitely be in there...we think.
    Some of those mentioned in the rumors:
    All of them.
  • 6th Edition 40k will come standard with passenger side airbags, and get exceptional gas mileage.

And so, Loquacious and I have dedicated ourselves to tracking down the source of these wildly varying, completely inconsistent and somewhat annoying rumors.
We DEMAND to know the truth....

When will we see a new Dark Angels Codex?
Will mech lists get nerfed?
We want new wacky random charts, we want Super Heavies in standard games, we want....
….well, we dunno what we want, or even if we really want it, but whatevs.
We want 'em.

And so, dear readers, our quest to bring you the truth has led us HERE....
….to Rhode Island.

SinSynn: “…Loquacious, why are we in Rhode Island?"

Loquacious: “Well, if you had a map or any sense, you'd know we are in CONNETICUT. Because the best information specialist in the world lives here, and he can help us find all the information we would ever want, all the dirt we can handle, and all the facts we could ever sneeze at. Who's that you ask? None other than our very own... Lauby!

Let's go see the wisest man around, and demand satisfaction!”

Loquacious and SinSynn, in their trenchcoats and fedora hats marked “press”, wander to the front door of a small house. They start knocking on the door. There is no answer, and the troublesome pair exchange looks that can only be explained as 'gremlin-like', and they become just a little rowdy.

“Hey! Lauby! Open up! We want some answers and you know ---everything---!!! Come on out!”

There's a long, weird silence as SinSynn and Loquacious wait, pacing about on the front step, trying the doornob, peeking in windows, and otherwise causing trouble while they try to be patient. (They're not very good at it, especially not together.)

The door is blocked from view and then it mysteriously opens. SinSynn and Loquacious quietly peek their heads in the door, mutter “hello” and barge right into what looks like Lauby's house. SinSynn takes a minute to pet Techno the cat, while Loquacious continues snoop-peeking about. She inadvertently opens a door and exposes

Lauby- “HEY! DO YOU MIND??????”

Loquacious “Oops. Hey SinSynn, I found him...”

Lauby: “What are you doing in my house? How did you find me?”

Loquacious: “We used the search thingy over at HoP. It works great. Hurry up- we gotta ask you some important questions!”

Lauby: “I'm sorta hung over with a headache like ten suns exploding in my head. Can't it wait?”

SinSynn: “But you told us to use the search thingy, and we did. Besides, aren't you like, always hung over? If this wasn't a House of Paincakes Special Investigative Report, we mighta scheduled an intervention. That whole Fishmas thing has your loved ones kinda concerned, pal. Apparently you were inebriated for twelve whole days!”

Loquacious: “Sin, we agreed there would be no judging...”

SinSynn: “Quite right, Loquacious, quite right. Poor form on my part, I'm afraid.”

SinSynn produces a pipe from his trenchcoat and lights it.

Lauby: “SinSynn, what the hell are you doing in my house? Please remove your tentacles from my cat, and explain this nonsense....You know what? Don't even explain. Just leave.. Wait a second...that better be tobacco!”

SinSynn hurriedly makes the pipe disappear, and produces a document with a flourish.

SinSynn: “Sir, I would ask you your whereabouts on the evening THIS was written!”

Blood of Kittens: Rumors of 2012 Release 

Lauby: “What the.... Oh, wait. I was at a Crusader concert. They were on tour, and I was getting my metal on... Why?'

Loquacious: “Lauby... do you have any proof? AND NOT THE LIQUOR KIND, EITHER.”

Lauby winces sharply and mumbles something about getting nagged on his birthday as he fumbles around the desk for something.

Lauby: “Here! It's a picture of me at the show. Is that good enough?

Lauby: “And really, you have got to leave. Special Lady Friend will NOT like the mess you are making. I don't need any more trouble. And what do you mean Fishmas had people worried? There was an uproar and no one told me?”

Loquacious tut tuts just a little and looks at Lauby with sympathy. She produces a document of her own from inside her 'super cute' purse.

Loquacious: “What about this one? Do you have anything to do with this one? It seems right up your alley....”

3++ : Update 

Lauby: “I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't do anything....I don't think.... Man, I have to stop getting drunk with Dethtron......”

Loquacious dodges out of the way as Lauby runs back to the bathroom to wretch. She looks inside her purse for something else and waits until Lauby is no longer green and gilly.

Loquacious: “Are you sure? This seems like a man crying for help here....”

Lauby looks askance at Loquacious and seems even more frustrated.

Lauby: “What is WRONG with you! You never forget anything, do you, woman?”

SinSynn: “Sir, we have trenchcoats, and fedora hats with Post-It notes marked 'Press' on them. I'd suggest you cooperate.”

Lauby: “I think I'm gonna be sick again.”

SinSynn: “Oh, so clearly you've seen THIS, then?”

Lauby does not reply, as he continues to worship at the porcelain throne.

SinSynn: “So what your saying, then, if I'm interpreting your dry heaves correctly, is that you have NO IDEA why this known accomplice of yours- one 'Mr. Dethtron,' if that IS his real name, would implicate you in this scheme? And that this is, in fact, NOT Rhode Island?”

Loquacious facepalms herself, and mutters something about dumb Xenos, and Lauby gives a wry glance over the edge of the bowl.

Lauby: “What scheme? What the hell are you talking about? Is your Hamster not working? What the hell does Rhode Island have to do with anything?”

Loquacious steps in, and tries to inject some logic into the situation.

Loquacious: “Look, Lauby, all we're saying is that the 6th Edition 'leaked' PDF looks like it may have been the work of drunks. The House of Paincakes search thingy DID lead us here.”

SinSynn: “And then of course there's THIS!”

Whelpslayer: All of a Sudden

SinSynn: “Which leads us to THIS!”

Game Over: What's This Then

Lauby now appears genuinely confused.

Lauby: “This isn't even ABOUT 6th Edition! It's about Blood Bowl!”

SinSynn: “I's cool, right? You see the figs?”


Loquacious: “We came to wish you a happy birthday.”

SinSynn: “Yeah. Happy Birthday, El Jeffe.”

Lauby pauses, somewhere between yelling and vomiting again.

Lauby: “Oh. Well...Thank you. I guess. Can you please leave now?”

SinSynn: “It was her idea.”

Loquacious: “Saying happy birthday was my idea. The rest was all you, Xeno.”

SinSynn: “I'm not the one with trenchcoats and fedoras in my 'cute purse,' now am I?”

Loquacious: “No, you keep your makeup, jumbo-sized tampons and bail money in yours.”

SinSynn: “Ha friggin' ha, wiseguy. So, where in Rhode Island are we, anyway?”

Loquacious and SinSynn continue their argumentative chatter as Lauby less than politely ushers them to the door, which closes immediately behind them as they step onto the porch.

They grin gremlin-ish grins at each other.

Loquacious: “That was fun.”

SinSynn: “He looked happy.”

Loquacious: “I know. I think I hear him gently weeping for joy on the other side of the door. So what are we doing now?”

SinSynn: “I dunno. Why don't we grab Gmort, go to Von's place and blame HIM for all these stupid rumors and stuffs?”

Loquacious: “Ok, sure...we'll hafta come up with a reason to blame Von, though.”

SinSynn: “His beard is smug. Do we need another reason?”

Loquacious: “Aw, I like his beard. It's cute.”

SinSynn: “Whatevs. We'll need something wacky to wear. Check your purse for viking outfits.”

Loquacious: “Von lives in Rhode Island, y'know.”

SinSynn: “Oh, good. I'm pretty sure GMort does, too. This'll be easy, then. Sheesh, Rhode Island sure is popular...and big.”

-The End
Until the next time Lauby trusts them with Top X.
Which seems unlikely.